Just wanna share a problem that I think many single guys (and girls) feel. While on one hand I attest to “single-blessedness”, on the other hand can’t help but address the reality that yes LONELINESS is such a bitch. She bites when you least expect it, and she bites damn hard.
The euphoric feel I had coming from Sunrise International School last Friday – I watched the badminton tournament with my team – was immediately replaced by that same feeling. I’m alone again.
And in the colorful, frenzied life, loneliness is no more than a dark place in which anything can happen – usually for the worse. When you’re lonely, you’re more tempted to do things you wouldn’t normally do when you’re positively functioning. Even when you keep yourself busy with work or what have you, eventually the bitch would creep in and remind you where you came out of and where you’d be heading back.
In that dark place, illusions are rampant. Masks are common. Deception is the name of the game.
I remember going to a bar in Nasa & Sunflower (in Cebu) , in which they had what they refer as “house music” but for me it was just noise. I couldn’t hear myself speak so forget about striking conversations w/ friends and friends-to-be. I felt old as I looked at the other people in the bar, realizing most of them were rich kids barely in their 20s. I would compare loneliness to that, where you lose yourself amid blazing lights and thumping sounds, convincing yourself that you’re having a good time. But knowing fully well that nothing is happening within (and I’m not referring to one’s groin). You still feel empty inside.
This might be the reason why I shy away from bars, and even bathhouses (as of jan.2007 haha) but even in the supposed comfort of home, the bitch still comes. Like just this morning, I had that feeling again. Like I want to shout that I don’t want to be alone, I want to be in a relationship again, that I deserve to be happy. But again knowing fully well that those kind of things are not rushed, are not actively sought, but begins with oneself.
Maybe I should keep myself busy. Or simply enjoy my time being single. Being free to pursue other interests.
But then came the answer from my friend “Bon”. Maybe this was part of the process I had to go through. This was my sacrifice. I had to leave everything behind, even my own happiness so I can fulfill what I set out to do. Of course I didn’t receive this gladly, I was asking, is that what you want me to respond to? Then I remembered a daily bread reading from a past issue of a national broadsheet, it says that sometimes you have to admit failure, that you have to fail in order to have faith. Because you’ll never know how strong you are unless you’ve been pushed to the wall, kicked to the edge and stepped over. While we all want success, sometimes failure is the better friend.
And in leaving everything behind, I’m raising everything up. Including my innermost desires. Maybe if I hold on more strongly to that inner fiber that connects me to Him, I’ll probably be able to carry on. I would be able to stay.
And when I do, I’ll show to that lady bitch of loneliness to pack up. I’ll say, “move over, I’m marching on and I’m living life”